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01-Aug-2017 20:34

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England: Robinson, Carragher, Terry, Ferdinand, Ashley Cole, Beckham, Lampard, Gerrard, Joe Cole, Owen, Crouch. " We won't know the temperature until after the final whistle, Kevin. If they win, it's much cooler than it was on Saturday, when England were only tediously inept because wah wah drone. 5 min England are enjoying more of the ball, as you'd expect, seeing according to ITV there's only one team playing.

Subs: Rooney, Campbell, James, Bridge, Hargreaves, Jenas, Carrick, Lennon, Downing, Carson, Walcott, Neville. Never mind Crouchigol’s long drink (oh the irony); each member of the Trinidad & Tobago squad will win a 247-litre barrel of Angostura Rum (delicate nose of cocoa, black treacle, toffee, vanilla and caramel) worth nearly £5,000 if they win this evening. Lampard takes a dig from 25 yards, Hislop fumbles and Owen races in to surely tap home from five yards. " asks Clive Hollingshead, on his third bottle of Tesco Value Gin.

"The only similarity is that I do live the same meaningless life." 15 min First real chance of the game for England, as Joe Cole sends in a deep cross from the left.

Crouchigol is sliding in from the right, but can only shank the ball into the side netting. England must have about 70% of the ball, but seem totally witless. It's tapped short, and Yorke swings in a ball to the far post which Stern John meets with his head.

"That picture of Peter Crouch is actually very reminiscent of Goose from Top Gun,” writes someone or something called The Texplant Corporation (an acid jazz band? "I can imagine a few of those strapping England boys on the beach volleyball court ‘playing with the boys’." I’ve not seen Top Gun. Yorke wastes it, but he didn't have many heads in the box to aim for.

"I’ve been e-mailing in every match so far and none of my witty missives have been published, yet Kevin Kennedy get two banal questions on-line," complains Sean Cassidy. I’m going to e-mail in as Johnny Briggs next." 12 min Ferdinand finds himself wide right in the T&T box and scoops a ball across to Crouch, who attempts a bicycle kick but only succeeds in making himself look a bit like a wind turbine.

Carragher throws a long ball into the box, which Crouch wins, but he's offside. "Stick the lanky striker a couple of hundred yards off the coast of the Shetlands, plug him into the national grid and tell him to wave his arms round. He blasts it over, as of course the English are wont to do from that position in major tournaments. Beckham crosses from the right to Crouch, who's standing alone six yards out in the middle of the box. "Ecuador will murder them." Are England the worst team in the tournament? " 50 min Yorke goes on a long meander from deep inside his own half to deep inside England's. Meanwahile Chris Bond's after a favour: "My work firewall has blocked Betfair.

Not that it mattered, the ball went straight up into the air. 26 min Crouch wins a header which nearly finds Lampard in the box. This is not very imaginative; at least the game's got a minute-by-minute report to match. Nobody bothers much with a challenge until Joe Cole eventually steps in with his big feet and upends poor Dwight. Lennon also comes on, with Carragher leaving the park. Can anybody tell me the odds on Alex Ferguson having a heart attack in the next 30mins?

Kevin Kennedy (our Kevin Kennedy that is) has confirmed that he is not Curly Watts.

Good defending from Terry, there, who stuck with him well. It's deep, and it's Crouch v Sancho at the edge of the six-yard box.



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