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01-Aug-2017 20:34

19 min Read 18 min, except Whitley is booked for whacking Gerrard and Beckham's delivery is even worse. 41 min A sort of chance for England as Michael Owen lets the ball clank off his shins in the T&T box. The wobbly afro-haired centre-back by the name of Rio shows nice awareness and willingness to play the ball. “I think it's beyond dispute that Sven is worth every penny of his multi-million pound salary,” suggests Roger Foster.21 min T&T knock it about for a bit, then give it back to England. It runs to Lampard, who's free on the penalty spot. 44 min Stern John beats an out-of-position Cole, a confused Ferdinand and a flapping Robinson to a high ball in the box... "You have to hope that if England do emerge from this group that they play Germany in the next round," writes Graeme Byers. Perhaps a big club move awaits him in the near future? “To turn a team that looks sort of decent on paper into a bunch of totally clueless headless chickens takes a rare sort of talent.” 63 min Rooney sends Ashley Cole down the left with a reasonable pass which, if the tone of Clive Tyldsley's voice is anything to go by, is slightly better than the one Pele gave to Carlos Alberto in the 1970 final.I blame Rio Ferdinand for this shambles in its entirety. Played out on steel drums at 13bpm, it sounds like a milk float crashing into a village pond. "Can you ask that Kevin Kennedy who asked about the temperature if he’s the actor who played Curly Watts? He emailed in the other day, James, but didn't respond when I asked him about his #139 hit single Bulldog Nation. 2 min Gerrard is sitting back and dictating play, spraying passes around hither and yon.Sven making out he cares about his players in the long term dept. He passes to Carragher who tries his luck from 35 yards. 3 min Theobold flips Owen into the air like an egg. Beckham takes a free kick which is pretty poor and is easily cleared by Lawrence.

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The elevation of the ranking of UTT indicates the strategic approach that UTT is adopting as it repositions itself on the global tertiary landscape .England: Robinson, Carragher, Terry, Ferdinand, Ashley Cole, Beckham, Lampard, Gerrard, Joe Cole, Owen, Crouch. " We won't know the temperature until after the final whistle, Kevin. If they win, it's much cooler than it was on Saturday, when England were only tediously inept because wah wah drone. 5 min England are enjoying more of the ball, as you'd expect, seeing according to ITV there's only one team playing.Subs: Rooney, Campbell, James, Bridge, Hargreaves, Jenas, Carrick, Lennon, Downing, Carson, Walcott, Neville. Never mind Crouchigol’s long drink (oh the irony); each member of the Trinidad & Tobago squad will win a 247-litre barrel of Angostura Rum (delicate nose of cocoa, black treacle, toffee, vanilla and caramel) worth nearly £5,000 if they win this evening. Lampard takes a dig from 25 yards, Hislop fumbles and Owen races in to surely tap home from five yards. " asks Clive Hollingshead, on his third bottle of Tesco Value Gin.Trinidad and Tobago: Hislop, Edwards, Sancho, Lawrence, Gray, Birchall, Whitley, Yorke, Theobald, Stern John, Jones. Should that happen, for England it’s Tesco Value Gin (delicate nose of turps) straight from the bottle. "Interested to see the filename for the Crouch pic is not Crouchigol but Crouchicock. " It's short for cocktail, Miles, it's short for cocktail. "The filename is actually crouchicocklarge, which would suggest that the file was named either by a Liverpool fan, or someone who has had a rather dubious liaison with..." Let's nip this riff in the bud right now. Except he doesn't; he sort of falls on top of the ball in mid air, sending it squirming out for a goal kick. "We’ll be home before the postcards." 8 min England seem big on shooting from distance.

Subs: Cox, Latapy, Samuel, Glen, Wise, Charles, Scotland, Ince, Wolfe, Andrews, Jack. Putting any old tat up to fill space and time dept. Gerrard, Lampard and Joe Cole all just took a wild swipe at the ball within the space of about three seconds. Meanwhile Tim Shaw wants me to "ask James Cook, who asked about Kevin Kennedy, if he is the famous British navigator and explorer who allegedly died in 1779." 10 min A free kick for T&T wide out right."The only similarity is that I do live the same meaningless life." 15 min First real chance of the game for England, as Joe Cole sends in a deep cross from the left.Crouchigol is sliding in from the right, but can only shank the ball into the side netting. England must have about 70% of the ball, but seem totally witless. It's tapped short, and Yorke swings in a ball to the far post which Stern John meets with his head."Ask Tim Shaw, who asked about James Cook, who asked about Kevin Kennedy, if he is the host of Kerrang's Asylum radio show," writes, er, Bobby Sands. 23 min Yorke wiggles down the right, nips inside and fires a cross which is deflected into Robinson's hands. A bit more drive wouldn't go amiss from England's point of view. “Enough of this Curly-bashing,” writes Liam Moloney. " 65 min England are running this game, of that there's no doubt.

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